love always, kristin

I stand in the bathroom

face to face with the mirror

my hair is quite thin

each strand brittle, breaking off at the ends

and my eyebrows are not as full as I would like them to be

my lips are chapped

the skin has been picked raw,

leaving behind scabs and scars where the skin refuses to grow back

my teeth are not as straight as they used to be

they have yellowed as I have gotten older

stained from coffee and too much dark liquor

my eyes are pretty

but they are overshadowed by the dark circles beneath them

sunken into my skin, dark and prominent

my nose has gotten bigger

my forehead, more wrinkled

my face holds more fat than I would like it to

I look older, worn

not as beautiful as I used to

---

I remember every birthday I have ever been told

I don’t like having my nails painted

I have been to fifteen states, but I want to visit all of them before I turn fifty

my first tattoo contains the colors of each of my siblings’ birthstones, but I often forget about it because it is behind my right ear

I wrote and delivered my first eulogy when I was eleven-years-old

I think hearing someone’s authentic laugh is the truest form of intimacy

even though I know how to swim, I have a fear of drowning

I still have every journal that I have ever written in

I think of music as its own form of communication – one that is far more vulnerable than spoken word

I love the smell of wet pavement after it rains

my grandparents passed away almost ten years ago, but I still know their phone number

I wish more people still sent letters

I think flowers are cliché, but pretty

as a child, I always wanted to be a teacher when I grew up

I believe that having the capacity to be honest and letting your guard down is one of the sincerest forms of strength

none of these are something you can see in the mirror.

---

growing up, like many other young girls, I was conformed to believe that beauty is what you see in the mirror.

I have spent the greater part of my life comparing myself to the conventional standard of beauty. the girls I saw on tv and magazine covers had many things that I didn’t:

voluminous hair

bold eyebrows, perfectly symmetrical

full, soft lips

pearly white teeth – without gaps, without stains

captivating eyes

small nose, with a minimal slope

a smooth, flawless complexion – without wrinkles, without freckles,

without character.

this “standard” is not realistic.

there is beauty in diversity.

there is beauty in character.

---

I stand in the bathroom

face to face with the mirror

my hair is dark brown, like my mother’s

and my eyebrows are carved with intention

arched to convey any and every emotion

my lips naturally turn down

as if I am constantly frowning, or thinking

but it makes my smile that much more genuine

my teeth are crooked

each one different than the next

making my smile that much more personal

my eyes really are pretty

I used to wish they were green, but hazel suits me

not striking, but subtle – a kind of beauty only few notice

my nose is adorned with freckles

my forehead, too – among the wrinkles

wrinkles, serving as evidence that I tend to raise my eyebrows when I talk

face to face with the mirror

I see these features

tailored to my face, designed just for me

each with a purpose, each with character

each with beauty and charm, all of them perfectly flawed

but none of them holding any importance

---

my heart is full of people

people that I have been so fortunate to meet

and the lives of those that I have grown to love

and places

places I have been blessed to call home

and others I have only had the pleasure of being once

my mind is filled with memories

that I have been so lucky to live through

that I will never be able to relive

of dancing at concerts, driving through the mountains

spending time with family, running in the pouring rain

every moment I wished time would stand still

my soul holds immense capacity

to observe and understand, to perceive, to mature

to become or simply be

none of these are something you can see in the mirror.

---

a mirror is only a reflective surface

it allows you to see your outward appearance

the features on your face, the characteristics of your body

a mirror does not possess the ability to see inward

the beliefs you hold, the qualities that establish your identity

they are reflected in your personality, in your character

---

I stand in the bathroom

face to face with the mirror

I glance over my features

before retreating back to my eyes

hazel

hazel

and privileged to have seen sunsets, falling snow, the ocean

and myself – in the mirror.

---

with love,

kristin