love always, kristin

Hey, kiddo. It’s been a while.

I want to start by saying that even though I didn’t show it very well, I loved you like a little sister. I gave you a lot of shit, I even pretended not to like you for a little while, but I hope you know I was messing with you. I cared for you a lot; you were a part of my family.

But this is not about my relationship with you. I’m actually here to thank you, because indirectly, you had more effect on my life than you ever would have thought.

Leaving my little sister behind when I left for college is by far one of the hardest things I have ever done. As you know, I came home as often as I could to be there for her. I wanted to be there for every football game I could make it to, for every major milestone, for every birthday dinner, and for every shitty day when she really needed a hug from her big sister. I like to think I was there for her as much as I possibly could have been. Even then, I couldn’t always be there. But you were.

I wish I could have told you how much it meant to me that you loved her so much. Any time I couldn’t be there for Kjersta, you were. You went to her football games, you giggled with her about her new crushes, you made her laugh on her good days, and held her while she cried on her bad days. You were a sister to her in all of the moments I couldn’t be.

There were so many times I called her to catch up or talk about life, and she would be laughing when she picked up the phone because you were in the room with her. I will admit, there was a point in time where it irritated me. I wanted to be the person she wanted to talk to, I wanted to be in the room with her, making her happy. The longer you two remained friends, I grew immensely more comfortable knowing that she was happy at all. Of all the people I had to share her with, I’m grateful that she chose you. She was so lucky to have a little sister like you.

and so was I.

I also want to thank you for being there for my mom. I didn’t realize what a huge impact you had on her life until you were gone. Looking back, the day I moved out was the first time in almost thirty years that my mom had only one kid at home. In having you around, she had someone else to take care of. You made her house feel less empty. She loved you like one of her own and she misses you very much.

Thank you for taking care of my family.

I wish more than anything that I could give my little sister her best friend back. You both deserved to get your driver’s license and ride in each other’s cars. You deserved to be at each other’s senior nights, and take corny pictures at prom. It breaks my heart to know there will be one less cap thrown at her graduation, and one less bridesmaid at her wedding.

I don’t have the power to bring you back, and give you the life you deserved to have. What I can do is give her two hugs for all the moments you should have been there for: one from me, and one from you.

Autumn, I hope you know that the life you lived, although it was short, affected so many people – myself included. I laugh when I think of your funny voices, and when I hear a Harry Styles song, I imagine the sparkle in your eyes after you saw him for the first time. Because of you, I now keep Tiger’s Eye in my car when I drive, and I promise to correct anyone who claims that dogs aren’t people.

I miss you, kid. I wish more than anything you could have had more time, but I am eternally grateful for the time you did have. I am so lucky to have known you. Thank you for letting me be a part of your beautiful life.

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Love always,

your big sister, Kristin

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