Every day I sit in front of my laptop and watch my cursor blink.
For someone who likes writing so much, you’d think I would finally think of something to write about. But, much to my surprise, it’s hard. It’s actually really hard. The reality is I have a lot to write about, but I am so afraid of what I want to write about that I am getting in my own way.
I have more lists than you could think of, and a mile-high stack of unfinished, honest words. I have so many topics I want to pour my heart into, then I can’t bring myself to finish them. There are gaps where I need to tie things together, unfulfilled stories with no plot, and absolutely no rhyme or reason to most of it, (which if you know me personally, you’d know that drives me fucking crazy). My brain is at full capacity, and I need some release. I want to talk. I want to talk about the things that make life worth living, my trust and commitment issues, the concept of fear and where it stems from, traumas I’ve endured, my opinion on the justice system, our generational differences than those before us, the fact that society is so overly-casual about alcohol consumption, the root of self-esteem issues, the pressures of simply being but,
WHERE THE FUCK DO I START?
As a society, as a collective group of people, we subconsciously judge those who over share. I do it, and you do it, too.
From the time we can understand sentences, we are taught the standard social exchange we grow to use on a daily basis.
“How are you?”
“Good.”
It’s so simple, you almost miss it.
At that young age, where we are surrounded by adults we admire, these fully-functioning adults can’t even muster a halfway genuine conversation. Now, I don’t know about you, but I grew up in a household where crying wasn’t acceptable, and keeping your mouth shut is more convenient than having an opinion.
Then you blink, and you’re twenty, and you’re wondering why you are incapable of expressing your emotions.
Why would we do that? Why would we shy away from our realities at the expense of agonizing small talk?
Simple. We’re scared.
Scared of saying the wrong thing, overstepping, getting stuck in a conversation, saying too much, not saying enough. We as a society are terrified of telling someone what we think. Of course, some people are exceptions to this generalization. I am not.
I don’t let my guard down, I won’t share any personal stories with friends I’ve known for less than a year, I’d rather keep my mouth shut than risk saying the wrong thing, and I only cry when I’m alone.
I fit the bill. I am exactly like every adult I was afraid of becoming. Numb.
Or at least I was.
Now I’m trying. I share a little more openly with strangers, I speak up when it’s appropriate – and sometimes when it’s not – and I have let my friends see me cry. And you know what? When I’m having a bad day, and someone asks me how I’m doing, I’m honest. There are so many alternatives to “good”.
“I’ve been better.” “I’m great!” “I’m having a hard time.” “My life is in shambles, but I’m working on it.” “I’m so excited about my day.” “I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.” “I’m okay.”
If someone is asking how you are, they might as well get an honest answer. Because, News Flash:
Life isn’t always peachy fucking keen.
This may sound like I’m ranting, or like I’m having a bad day, but that’s not it. I’m tired. I am tired of waiting over a year to trust someone with my personal life because I am afraid of saying the wrong thing; I am so tired of having so much to say and withholding it for the sake of someone else. Fuck. That.
I never took myself to be the kind of person with a “mantra”, but I think having words to live by is a good thing. If you’ve ever seen the Disney movie Bambi, you would recognize Thumper’s famous line, “If you don’t got nothing nice to say, don’t say nothing at all.” This quote is adorable, but it’s meant for children. To paraphrase, Thumper is saying, “Don’t be a dick for no reason.” Fair enough, Thumper. I agree.
However, I do not agree with “don’t say nothing at all”. Saying ‘nothing’ never got anyone anywhere, but you can tell someone what you think without being an asshole. If you need the boost of confidence, you can chose to live by my mantra.
Say it with your chest, or don’t say it at all.
It’s straightforward, but it gets the job done. It is not your place to disguise your true colors for someone who prefers black and white. Honesty is a virtue for a reason. Genuine people are hard to come by these days, but that shouldn’t be the case. We should appreciate and cherish those honest conversations rather than criticize them for being too blunt, too forward, too much information. Obviously, having some privacy is important, but I wish we didn’t live in a world where we cringe at the idea of a little transparency.
I challenge you to say what you think, tell people how you feel – right when you’re feeling it! Saying (and doing) things we are afraid of is the first step towards a more fulfilling life. You don’t have to listen to me, but I don’t want to become one of the drones people become when they’re afraid of sincerity.
I’m working really hard at this whole transparency thing, but at the very least, it is absolutely liberating to speak your mind. Everyone has something to say, so why not just say it?
Quite bluntly,
Kristin
love always, kristin 
Leave a comment